HIS:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
HERS:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for gum wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake
-- Larry Ohlinger
1. You've already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar for 1998.
2. You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.
3. You've figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island.
4. You decide to see how many Mountain Dews you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs.
5. People come into your office only to borrow pencils from your ceiling.
6. No longer content with merely photocopying your butt, you now scan and enhance it with Photoshop.
7. You now require only a single can of cola to belch the names of all seven Dwarfs.
8. The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements.
-- Lionel Rocheleau
A guy phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist replies "I'm sorry but he died last week."
The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies "I told you yesterday, he died last week."
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."
-- Larry Ohlinger
Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The barmaid came over to take their orders.
"And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?"
The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood."
The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood."
The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, "I will have a glass of plasma."
The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light."
-- Julie Cotner
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater for their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They're tiny little women in cheap fur coats.
-- Ed Mohler
Top 19 Ways to Tell if a Redneck is Working at a Computer in your Office
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter."
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
4. There is a gunrack mounted on the CPU.
5. The password is "bubba."
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to five.
7. Nothing on this line but the number 7 again to prove that I ain't no redneck.
8. Windows 95 has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.
9. Outgoing faxes have beer stains on them.
10. The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
11. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
12. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.
13. Jeff Foxworthy WAVs
14. The monitor is up on blocks.
15. Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.
16. Deer jerky in the desk drawer.
17. The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with Dueling Banjos
playing in the background.
18. The six front keys have rotted out.
19. John Deer Pocket Protectors.
-- Larry Ohlinger
1. Take the batteries out of all the remotes in the house. (Hide them well.)
2. Organize his workshop, bedroom, or other special place.
3. Bribe his faithful dog away from him with a steady diet of Ding Dongs.
4. Shrink his underwear in the dryer and when he complains, innocently suggest that he's gained a few pounds.
5. Stare at his forehead and when he notices, casually ask if there is any history of male pattern baldness on his mother's side.
6. "Accidentally" fill the gas tank of his new Porsche with diesel.
7. Repeatedly misplace the cordless phone, preferably in a different room each time.
8. Repeatedly lose his cellular phone in restaurants around town.
9. Loan his precious cellular phone to a pregnant girlfriend who "needs it more than he does."
10. Insist upon a lot of "meaningful conversations."
11. Have your mother fly in for a month-long visit unannounced.
12. Reverse his contact lenses in their case.
13. Snip a small hole in his fishing waders, then follow him with a camera to capture his "sinking" on film.
-- Larry Ohlinger
A cop sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
-- Ed Mohler
BIT - A word used to describe computers, as in "Our daughter's computer cost quite a bit."
BOOT - What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skill.
BUG - What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: What computer magazine companies do to you after they get you on their mailing list.
CHIPS - The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.
COPY - What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time playing games on your computer and not enough time studying.
CURSOR - What you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform, as in "You %@& computer!"
DISK - What goes out of your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours at a clip.
DUMP - The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install games on your computer.
ERROR - What you made when you first walked into a computer showroom "just to look."
EXPANSION UNIT - The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals.
FILE - What a secretary can now do to her nails six and a half hours a day, now that the computer does her day's work in 30 minutes.
FLOPPY - The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see "CHIPS").
HARDWARE - Tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer.
IBM - The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so you'll pay attention to them again.
MENU - What you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.
PROGRAMS - Those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up.
RETURN - What lots of people do to their computers after they receive their first billing from their Internet service provider.
TAB - What your friends pick up when they meet you for lunch (because you spent all your money on new software).
TERMINAL - A place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers.
WINDOW - What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up.
-- Lionel Rocheleau
Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are content to watch others do... They are called "Speck Tators."
Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the way others do things... They're called "Comment Tators."
Some are always looking to cause problems and really get under your skin... They are called "Aggie Tators."
There are those who are always saying they will, but somehow, they never get around to doing... We call them "Hezzie Tators."
Some people put on a front and act like someone else... They're called "Emma Tators."
Then, there are those who walk what they talk. They're always prepared to stop what they're doing to lend a hand to others, and bring real sunshine into the lives of others. You can call them "Sweet Tators."
-- Larry Ohlinger
You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.
The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.
The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.
You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug.
The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you.
There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.
You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.
You slice your tongue licking an envelope.
Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.
A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.
There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.
You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.
The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.
A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.
You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7PM instead of 7AM.
The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.
You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.
Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.
You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.
You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.
You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it.
You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.
-- Lionel Rocheleau
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"
The lawyer replied, "Of course! How much was the roast?"
The butcher replied, "$7.98."
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.
-- Larry Ohlinger
You might be a Bostonian if....
1. You think of Philadelphia as the "deep south."
2. You think it's your God-given right to cut someone off in traffic.
3. You think there are only 25 letters in the alphabet. (No R)
4. You think three straight days of 90+ is a heat wave.
5. All your pets are named after Celtic hall of famers.
6. You refer to 6 inches of snow as a "dusting."
7. Just hearing the words "New York" puts you in an angry frenzy.
8. You don't think you have an attitude.
9. You know the significance of 1918.
10. Everything in town is "a five minute walk."
11. When out of town, you think the natives of the area you're visiting are all whacked.
12. You still can't bear to watch highlights from game 6 of the 1986 World Series.
13. You have no idea what the word "compromise" means.
14. You believe using your turn signal is a sign of weakness.
15. You don't realize that you talk twice as fast as everyone else.
16. You're neurotic, spasmatic & stubborn.
17. You think if someone is nice to you, they must want something or are from out of town.
18. You think $15 to park is a bargain.
19. Your favorite adjective is "wicked."
20. You think 63 degree ocean water is warm.
If you're from Boston:
1. You'll know who the cahdnal is, how to take the T to JP and what the blinking red light atop the old Hancock Building means in the summer.
2. And if you're smaht, you'll know how not to get cahded at the packie.
Herewith, a survival guide to Bawstin:
How we tok:
We don't speak English. We speak whatever they brought over here from East Anglia in 1630. The Bawstin accent is basically the broad A and the dropped R, which we add to words ending in A (pahster, Cuber, soder). For the broad A, just open your mouth and say "ah," like the docta says. So car is cah, park is pahk. If you want to talk like the mayah, repeat after me: "My ahnt takes her bahth at hahpast foah."
When we say \ We mean:...
bzah \ odd
flahwiz \ roses, etc.
hahpahst \ 30 minutes after the hour
Hahwahya? \ How are you?
khakis \ what we staht the cah with
pissa \ superb
retahded \ silly
shuah \ of course
wikkid \ extremely
yiz \ you, plural
How we'll know you weren't bon heah:
You wear a Harvard sweatshirt.
You cross at a crosswalk.
You ask directions to "Cheers."
You order a grinder and a soda.
You pronounce it "Worchester."
You walk the Freedom Trail.
You call it "Copely" Square.
You go to BU.
Getting around:
Boston is a mishmosh of 17th-century cow paths and 19th-century landfill penned in by water. You know, "One if by land, two if by sea."
Charlestown? Cahn't get theyah from heah.
And which Warren Street do you want? We have three plus three Warren Avenues, three Warren Squares, a Warren Park, and a Warren Place.
Pay no attention to the street names. There's no school on School Street, no court on Court Street, no dock on Dock Square, no water on Water Street.
Back Bay streets are in alphabetical odda. Arlington, Berkeley, Clarendon, Dartmouth. So are South Boston streets: A, B, C, D.
If the streets are named after trees (Walnut, Chestnut, Cedar), you're on Beacon Hill. If they're named after poets, you're in Wellesley.
Dot is Dorchester, Rozzie is Roslindale, JP is Jamaica Plain. Readville doesn't exist.
The North-East-South-West thing:
Southie is South Boston. The South End is the South End. The North End is east of the West End. The West End is no more. A guy named Rappaport got rid of it one night. Eastie is East Boston. The East End is Boston Harbor.
About our "cuisine":
Boston cream pie is a cake.
Frappes have ice cream; milk shakes don't.
Chowdah does not come with tomatoes.
Soda is club soda. Pop is Dad. If it's fizzy and flavored, it's tonic.
When we mean tonic water, we say tonic water.
Scrod is whatever they tell you it is, usually fish. If you paid more than $6 a pound, you got scrod.
Brown bread comes in a can. You open both ends, push it out, heat it, and eat it with baked beans.
They're hot dogs. Franks were people who lived in France in the ninth century.
Things not to do:
Don't call it Beantown.
Don't pahk your cah in Hahvid Yahd. They'll tow it to Meffa.
Don't swim in the Charles, no matter what Bill Weld tells you.
Don't sleep in the Common.
Don't wear orange in Southie on St. Patrick's Day.
Don't call the mayah "Mumbles." He hates that.
Don't ask what she's majoring in. You don't care.
Things you should know:
There are two State Houses, two City Halls, two courthouses, two Hancock buildings. There's also a Boston Latin School and a Boston Latin Academy.
How should we know which one you mean?
Route 128 is also I-95. It is also I-93.
It's the Sox, the Pats (or Patsies), the Seltz, the Broons.
The Harvard Bridge goes to MIT. It's measured in 'smoots.'
Johnson never should have hit for Willoughby.
Never mention Bill Buckner's name.
The subway doesn't run all night. This isn't Noo Yawk.
-- Lionel Rocheleau
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